Not to sound fatalist, but...

This is hard to explain. But sometimes I feel so incredibly lucky for having been endowed with all the resources that have been given to me up until this point, that I don't know if I'll ever be able to accomplish everything I intend to, or everything that would be expected of me for having had so much. I guess it doesn't help that my expectations for myself are probably overly high. And I guess passion and willpower count for a lot. Or are at least good places to start. I guess I work hard and people would agree, but it's difficult to not to think that so much of everything is in large part due to sheer luck and chance and circumstance. I'm bothered by that, because I'm bothered by situations I can't exert complete control over myself, situations where I can't dictate an outcome by virtue of sharp-thinking. Of course, in the end, mullling over all of that doesn't get anyone anywhere. Just like I've decided that most relationships, while fun while they last, aren't really worth the stress or energy investment, either while they happen or afterward. Least of all when nothing is mutual, even if you're deceived into thinking it is.

Anyways, maybe this is just my senioritis-stricken brain trying to fathom everything that's supposed to happen in the next five years, all of that juxtaposed with what is currently probably the laziest, most unproductive, most carefree I-will-do-whatever-I-damn-feel-like-without-caution-to-ANYTHING period of my entire life. And the seemingly inescapable fact that the next major decision I have to make is probably going to dictate a LOT of things in the future.

More of a real post later, probably. After the agonizing/procrastination on thinking about what exactly I want for the next few years starts to drive me up a wall. The good thing is, doors are open, and it's just a matter of making a decision. I don't have anything to rightfully complain about. And that is why my expectations are(perhaps unreasonably to some but not to me) high.